Me Suya

Assalamualaikum readers

Half way journey of my 2019. Will I able to go longer
Or will not? Never one would have the definite answer.
Half way of my 2019, I have experienced many sweet sour of life occasions.
For whatever reason I hope it will help me to be better.

One of the big grievance recently,
I have lost my beloved eldest sister.
She's been invited to return to the Rabbul Izzati.
Leaving us behind, longing and remembering the good old days we had.
The grievance is real and take time to heal. It is different when she's around
and even harder when she's gone.
Day by day, I still found myself thinking of her.
How is she? She used to this and that to me. This I would call as LOVE.
She is part of my conversation, whenever I call my mom.
I would always ask my Ma how is she and the progress and all.
Now, I have to spare differently. I felt this way, the sadness.
So imagine how it would be to my mom, who just losing her eldest daughter.

The first baby she's holding and breastfeeding,
the one that make her became a MOTHER. I wouldn't dare to ask!
It is not that we are not accepting takdir or fate. NO, don't get me wrong.
But grievance of losing close family member who we love dearly,
surely take time. Accepting for sure, but as time went by.
One by one, the memory is playing back to our memory.
And we're starting to relate this and that, we are reminiscing so many things.
And evolve around the clock, looking into the faces of her beloved people ,
her husband, her kids and her youngest daughter.
Make me feel the sadness even more.
Sadness, grievance of losing. Doesn't same as you not accepting the fate.
It is part of process and it will pace one at a time.
It won't go away but will be faded,
Because I have experienced it twice. Year 2000, losing my Ayah
Year 2013, losing of my younger sister after myself.

It is not really seems concern when they are around
but we are greatly affected when they are gone.
Anyhow, redha is always the thing that we should look forward too.
I don't want to write more about memories growing up with you,
But to be honest, up to this day. Whenever I see telur mata kerbau with kicap manis, add on with tomato sauce and some slices red onions. I will always remember that this was what you made to us, the siblings long-long time ago when we're kids. You're the kakak that feed us with this staple food.

Dear nieces and nephews,
I hope you know that I will be always there for you guys.
Probably not in person at every time
but I am willing to be with u guys whenever u need me.
I might not the best sister for your mom,
but I believed she always adore and love me.
As back then, she would always called me and spent hours to share whatever she's experienced in her day or just talk about all of u. Be it, she was happy or mad. I always got the call from her. To be honest, sometimes I felt annoying too because whenever she was calling then I have to listen for her whole stories for hours. No matter what I am doing, I still have to listen and listen. She always like that. Talkative.Eldest sister that will open up her life to one who she would put her trust on. And I believed I on her list.

I am still missing you Long (nickname for her being the sulung).
Not even a day since the day you left us, I'm not thinking about you.
Looking around, I might living as normal as I could. But deep there.
I am longing and still found myself thinking a lot of things about you.
I believed you are in better place now,
I hope I will be leaving this world in Husnul Khotimah too.
I will include you inside my prayers just like I always did for Ayah and Aishah.

You are my eldest sister.
You are one of my supporter.
You are one of closest person who always proud of me
Even I have nothing to spare. Your endless support to me,
I know it is all due to love, even you are not the one who will show
directly that you are loving person. I want to keep you in my mind like that.
I want to remember you as one of the person who always keep everything capsuled inside yourself, confront everything on your own, you are the brave person in your own battle. I want to remember you like that. You are a very kind cikgu who always love to see beauty in anything u touch on.
You should be known like that. I will always remember and love u Long.


Inna lillahi wa inna ilaihi raji'un
You will be always missed, Long.
As I wrote this, you have returned there for 35days.


Will be always loved:
Suriani Mohammad
14 January 1975 - 21 May 2019 (9.00am) (44yrs old)
27 Zulhijjah 1394 A.H -15 Ramadhan 1440 A.H